A Work In Progress

Change terrifies me
but at the same time I find that I crave it so intensely

I feel as though I'm stuck in these ruts of mundane routine
grasping at anything that will wake me up
from the safe consistency of everyday life.

Excerpt From a Book That Remains Unwritten #3

I think this point in my life was when I decided that all I needed to focus on was comforting myself, focusing on myself and making me happy. My whole life I had always worried about how the people around me were doing and what I could be doing in order to help them. But I reached a point in my life when those people had the chance to step up and give me back all that support I had given them because now I was the one whose life was turned upside down. I was the one who simply couldn't go on alone, the obstacle that had put itself in my path was too big to face all by myself.

These times in life are almost checkpoints for relationships. You come to this point with all of your friends and family in their place. But, once you're faced with this challenge, it becomes evident who is in your life for you, rather then what you can give them. It's a tough lesson to learn but one worth learning. It was so eye opening to see who was really there for me. People who I had expected to run stood by my side and those I had expected to be with me every step of the way had run in the opposite direction.

Going forward I decided to reevaluate all of my relationships and determine whether or not they were worth fighting for anymore. As it turned out, a lot of the ones I had been working so hard to keep were the easiest ones to let go of. They weren't worth the time and effort I had been putting into them, I wasn't getting anything in return.

When life gives you these checkpoints be sure to take full advantage of the opportunity that it really is. Learn about the people around you and determine their worth based on how they value yours.

Closure

I keep telling myself that I need some sort of closure when it comes to our relationship

Some defining conversation or action to make me feel as though
everything I had to say was spoken
everything I had to say was understood

I had always said exactly what I had needed to say to him
But when he was gone there was a nagging feeling that some things were left unsaid

He wasn't understanding
Whether he wasn't or couldn't is up for debate

A good morning or goodnight message, an "I miss you" or "Thinking of you", a letter. Anything.

That was all I wanted
That was all I needed

If I couldn't even get those simple gestures in return, how could I expect him to fight to keep me?
If sending a three word text was too much work for him, how could I expect him to take time out of his life to try and keep me there.


I guess that's all the closure I really need, isn't it?

Excerpt From a Book That Remains Unwritten # 2

As a kid I had always believed that the world was all good. Good isn't the word I would use anymore but that’s what I thought when I was little. I couldn’t believe that fire had existed. How could something that caused so much damage be allowed to exist on this Earth filled with trips to the beach, vacations with my family and playdates with friends every other day. I had it all, how could something that caused so much heartache be allowed to exist when there was all of this “good” in my world. Part of me would do just about anything to go back to that innocent state of mind where anything that caused pain just simply couldn't exist. Looking back now, the other part of me is glad that I don’t still have that state of mind because when I learned for the first time that life wasn't all good, I had been destroyed in every sense of the word. I couldn't believe that these bad things actually happened.

As a middle school girl I had always struggled with image and friendships and I had thought that those thing I had struggled with were awful…life altering. Don’t get me wrong, they were difficult and I had really struggled but no mean girl from school could ever prepare me for the heartbreak I would soon feel and then continue to feel for what seemed like an eternity. In my short twenty years on this Earth, I can already look back in my life to a specific date and time and pinpoint when my life changed. When I was no longer concerned with the girls at school or how I looked everyday because all of a sudden those things were so irrelevant in comparison to the real world tragedies I now had to face as a then sixteen year old girl.

Writing Challenge! 100 Word Sentence: New Start

He’s standing in the same exact spot he was just a year ago, looking up at the same street sign promising to himself once again that he would make a change by going to his wife this time last year, sitting her and their two boys down in the living room of the house he had worked so hard to provide for them, ensuring them that he was going to get help and that he would be a better husband and father; now looking back at that time and this same street sign he thinks to himself “maybe next year?”

2016

I've been thinking about what I could possibly write about a year that I am leaving as a completely different person then the one I was coming into it. This year was certainly one for the books, ups and downs, highs and lows.

But isn't every year that way? Covered in beauty and heartbreak. I've had my fair share of ups and downs this year. Moments where I thought I wouldn't be able to go on any longer, the body numbing pain where you want to cry and scream but all you can do is look around and wonder how you could have possibly gotten to this point.

With that being said, 2016 was a pivotal turning point in my life. The lessons I have learned in these short 365 days I will be forever grateful for. I've been trying to find a way to explain how these moments in my life have truly changed every part of me but I can't seem to find the words to explain it.

I've learned that some of the things I was holding onto weren't mine to carry.
I've learned what I deserve when it comes to all types of relationships.
I've learned not to settle, I am worth so much more then a mediocre life.
Most importantly...I've learned just how strong I can be when it is the only option I have.

This is the life I've been given and I am choosing to be grateful for the challenges that present themselves to me.

Here's to 2017, new lessons, new memories, and more love.