Excerpt From a Book That Remains Unwritten #5

Everything was happening so quickly, one thing after another.

Everyone was always checking in and helping and being supportive but now that everything's settling down I feel so lonely sometimes.

I was so busy and wrapped up in everything that I forgot how to live, I lost myself.

Now, I'm trying to learn how to be all of those things for myself again.

I'm trying to remind myself that I deserve all of those things again.

Excerpt From a Book That Remains Unwritten #4

I feel like it wasn't my choice.
I didn't have the chance to realize that maybe I should grow up and change.
I had to in order to adapt to the world I had been thrown into.
I feel like I'm learning now, after everything that I am already grown up.

It happened when I was trying to deal with everything else.

Excerpt From a Book That Remains Unwritten # 2

As a kid I had always believed that the world was all good. Good isn't the word I would use anymore but that’s what I thought when I was little. I couldn’t believe that fire had existed. How could something that caused so much damage be allowed to exist on this Earth filled with trips to the beach, vacations with my family and playdates with friends every other day. I had it all, how could something that caused so much heartache be allowed to exist when there was all of this “good” in my world. Part of me would do just about anything to go back to that innocent state of mind where anything that caused pain just simply couldn't exist. Looking back now, the other part of me is glad that I don’t still have that state of mind because when I learned for the first time that life wasn't all good, I had been destroyed in every sense of the word. I couldn't believe that these bad things actually happened.

As a middle school girl I had always struggled with image and friendships and I had thought that those thing I had struggled with were awful…life altering. Don’t get me wrong, they were difficult and I had really struggled but no mean girl from school could ever prepare me for the heartbreak I would soon feel and then continue to feel for what seemed like an eternity. In my short twenty years on this Earth, I can already look back in my life to a specific date and time and pinpoint when my life changed. When I was no longer concerned with the girls at school or how I looked everyday because all of a sudden those things were so irrelevant in comparison to the real world tragedies I now had to face as a then sixteen year old girl.

Excerpt From a Book That Remains Unwritten

I got to the doctor and was finally called in, I followed the nurse, my parents not far behind. We get to the room and sit down. Little did we know, we wouldn't be the same people walking out of the room as we were those walking in. 

The nurse stayed and talked to us, trying to make jokes and make us laugh. At this point all I wanted was to hear that everything was fine so I could leave and get to class. After what seemed like an eternity, she leaves and the doctor finally comes in. She shakes my parents hands and gets right to it. I remember her exact words “I’m very sorry to say this but it is thyroid cancer.” I know she kept talking after she had said that but I heard nothing else, all I remember is that my feet went numb. Completely numb, as if they hadn't ever existed. 

I looked at my parents and saw faces looking back at me that I had never seen before. I hadn't started crying yet, I couldn't process what was going on. “Cancer? What is that? I have cancer? I cant have cancer, I have class in a few hours. I’m graduating and going away to school next year. I don't have time for this.” My mom gets up and walks to my side and hugs me and suddenly I’m dragged back into this nightmare. 

That’s all this is right? A nightmare. I’m going to wake up and everything will be fine. Again, with the reassuring that everything was going to be fine. Well now it wasn’t, and that was a fact. Nothing was fine. How could it be? I decide to start listening to the doctor as she discusses treatment options. 

One thing I will never forget her saying was that my odds were very good and that I had a great chance of beating this.

 A great chance of beating this?! I couldn't believe the words I was hearing. I was sitting there as a nineteen year old girl being told I had cancer and that my odds were “pretty good”. As if I had any other option other then to beat this. I have my entire life ahead of me and this woman is standing in front of me saying that I had a good chance of beating this. 

Clearly she didn't know me that well.