Excerpt From a Letter You'll Never Read #3

It always seemed that you had struggled to express just how you were feeling.
Like there were thousands of ideas and words hidden behind your eyes but you were too afraid to share.

Sometimes I wonder if that's why you were unable to express whether or not you had cared for me.
Truly cared.

I don't think I want to know whether or not that is true.
I feel as though whether or not you cared more then you had been able to express, it would hurt to know either way.

If you weren't able to express it, would things be different now?
If you were able to express it and simply didn't care...why did you stay as long as you did?

Why did I stay as long as I did?

Dear Diary #2

Do you ever get your period and you're numb from sadness but you also want to dance and feel pretty but at the same time kill someone while snuggling puppies and donating your uterus to science because the CRAMPS ARE SO  BAD? 

Asking for a friend

Excerpt From a Letter You'll Never Read #2

It’s scary to think that someone who meant so much to me didn’t have any idea who I really was. It terrifies me to think that maybe you thought I wanted you in my life only to “fix my problems.”

I’m honestly not even sure what problems I had that you thought you, or anyone, would be able to fix.

How could anyone fix a cancer diagnosis or a parents divorce?

All I wanted from you was happiness, some sort of distraction to pull me from what I had been going through.

Excerpt From a Letter You'll Never Read

That's when I realized you learn more about a person through their favorite books, songs and quotes then you ever could from their words. It's easy to be deceived by words, people's truths are told when you look at the things they love...the things they relate to.

Transition Period

Cancer, she told me
It's not terminal, you'll be fine
You'll just need surgery and treatment
And then,
Good as new

Good as new?
It wasn't terminal
I didn't die
But something in me did

The care free
The not a worry in the world
The it only happens to other people
Person inside me died

I mourned the loss
As I would any loss
A part of me was gone
and it will never be back

Once the mourning was done
I had been grateful
For the person that had been left behind
Was a girl stronger then she could've ever imagined before

I live each day as if it's my last
I put myself first
I'm not as good as new
I'm better...I'm braver

Excerpt From a Book That Remains Unwritten #5

Everything was happening so quickly, one thing after another.

Everyone was always checking in and helping and being supportive but now that everything's settling down I feel so lonely sometimes.

I was so busy and wrapped up in everything that I forgot how to live, I lost myself.

Now, I'm trying to learn how to be all of those things for myself again.

I'm trying to remind myself that I deserve all of those things again.

Excerpt From a Book That Remains Unwritten #4

I feel like it wasn't my choice.
I didn't have the chance to realize that maybe I should grow up and change.
I had to in order to adapt to the world I had been thrown into.
I feel like I'm learning now, after everything that I am already grown up.

It happened when I was trying to deal with everything else.

100 Things That Make Me Happy

It's so easy to get down when it feels like everything around you is crumbling. During these times I like to list everything that makes me happy. Almost as a reminder of all of the great things I have in my life! Here's 100 things that currently make me happy

1. Caramel Macchiatos
2. Being tagged in funny memes
3. Saying/ doing something that makes other people laugh
4. Talking to friends on a daily basis
5. Spending time with Cam
6. Making my parents proud
7. Cookies and Cream ice cream
8. When people come to me with things going on in their lives
9. Lyrics I can relate to
10. Barefoot white moscato
11. Laughing so hard no sound comes out
12. When the guy gets the girl
13. A genuine smile from a stranger
14. Random acts of kindness
15. Pennies from heaven
16. Reminiscing on those who have passed on
17. When other people relate to my writing
18. Mason & Travis
19. Learning about new things
20. Getting good grades
21. Corgis and their butts (look it up)
22. Hershey's with almonds
23. Looking at old pictures
24. Taking new pictures
25. Taking risks
26. Shopping
27. Wearing a nice outfit
28. My new bag
29. Sleepovers
30. Rainy days
31. My rain boots
32. Walking in puddles with rain boots on
33. Making my brother laugh (a rarity)
34. Going on adventures
35. Music videos
36. Concerts
37. Harold (my car)
38. Reminiscing
39. Making lists
40. Posting on my blog
41. Driving with the windows down and blasting music
42. The beach
43. Long days that last all night
44. Waking up next to someone (or a dog)
45. Random encounters with puppies
46. Answering a question right in class
47. Having an opinion
48. Living on my own
49. Knowing I always have a place to go home to
50. Opportunity
51. Thinking about when Karly face planted on our way home
52. When Emily came home to surprise me
53. Thinking about how many people I have supporting me
54. When people like the same music as me
55. When people hold the door open
56. Going to NYIT
57. Sunrises/sunsets
58. Looking up at the stars
59. Landscapes
60. Paths
61. Shadows
62. Proposal videos/Stories
63. Babies laughter
64. Nicknames
65. Biology
66. Thinking about the future
67. Rom-Coms
68. Getting to the subway right on time
69. Extensions on assignments
70. Algebra
71. Snap chat filters
72. Comics
73. Sushi
74. Sleeping in
75. Being invited places
76. Epiphanies
77. Seeing/making other people happy
78. Anything blue raspberry flavored
79. Netflix
80. Shows that make me laugh
81. Puns (science ones specifically)
82. John Krasinski
83. Scenarios that make you think "small world"
84. Darkness
85. Falling asleep
86. Waking up and realizing you still have time to sleep
87. Getting good news from doctors
88. Helping others
89. Puzzles
90. Blankets
91. Going to sleep in socks and waking up without them
92. Showering with music blasting
93. Singing in the shower
94. Griffin's reaction after I've been gone for a few weeks
95. Hugs
96. Cooking with people
97. Satire
98. Knowing words to songs that my brother listens to
99. When people use the right forms of words
100. Looking up at the sky and realizing how small I am

A Work In Progress

Change terrifies me
but at the same time I find that I crave it so intensely

I feel as though I'm stuck in these ruts of mundane routine
grasping at anything that will wake me up
from the safe consistency of everyday life.

Excerpt From a Book That Remains Unwritten #3

I think this point in my life was when I decided that all I needed to focus on was comforting myself, focusing on myself and making me happy. My whole life I had always worried about how the people around me were doing and what I could be doing in order to help them. But I reached a point in my life when those people had the chance to step up and give me back all that support I had given them because now I was the one whose life was turned upside down. I was the one who simply couldn't go on alone, the obstacle that had put itself in my path was too big to face all by myself.

These times in life are almost checkpoints for relationships. You come to this point with all of your friends and family in their place. But, once you're faced with this challenge, it becomes evident who is in your life for you, rather then what you can give them. It's a tough lesson to learn but one worth learning. It was so eye opening to see who was really there for me. People who I had expected to run stood by my side and those I had expected to be with me every step of the way had run in the opposite direction.

Going forward I decided to reevaluate all of my relationships and determine whether or not they were worth fighting for anymore. As it turned out, a lot of the ones I had been working so hard to keep were the easiest ones to let go of. They weren't worth the time and effort I had been putting into them, I wasn't getting anything in return.

When life gives you these checkpoints be sure to take full advantage of the opportunity that it really is. Learn about the people around you and determine their worth based on how they value yours.

Closure

I keep telling myself that I need some sort of closure when it comes to our relationship

Some defining conversation or action to make me feel as though
everything I had to say was spoken
everything I had to say was understood

I had always said exactly what I had needed to say to him
But when he was gone there was a nagging feeling that some things were left unsaid

He wasn't understanding
Whether he wasn't or couldn't is up for debate

A good morning or goodnight message, an "I miss you" or "Thinking of you", a letter. Anything.

That was all I wanted
That was all I needed

If I couldn't even get those simple gestures in return, how could I expect him to fight to keep me?
If sending a three word text was too much work for him, how could I expect him to take time out of his life to try and keep me there.


I guess that's all the closure I really need, isn't it?

Excerpt From a Book That Remains Unwritten # 2

As a kid I had always believed that the world was all good. Good isn't the word I would use anymore but that’s what I thought when I was little. I couldn’t believe that fire had existed. How could something that caused so much damage be allowed to exist on this Earth filled with trips to the beach, vacations with my family and playdates with friends every other day. I had it all, how could something that caused so much heartache be allowed to exist when there was all of this “good” in my world. Part of me would do just about anything to go back to that innocent state of mind where anything that caused pain just simply couldn't exist. Looking back now, the other part of me is glad that I don’t still have that state of mind because when I learned for the first time that life wasn't all good, I had been destroyed in every sense of the word. I couldn't believe that these bad things actually happened.

As a middle school girl I had always struggled with image and friendships and I had thought that those thing I had struggled with were awful…life altering. Don’t get me wrong, they were difficult and I had really struggled but no mean girl from school could ever prepare me for the heartbreak I would soon feel and then continue to feel for what seemed like an eternity. In my short twenty years on this Earth, I can already look back in my life to a specific date and time and pinpoint when my life changed. When I was no longer concerned with the girls at school or how I looked everyday because all of a sudden those things were so irrelevant in comparison to the real world tragedies I now had to face as a then sixteen year old girl.

Writing Challenge! 100 Word Sentence: New Start

He’s standing in the same exact spot he was just a year ago, looking up at the same street sign promising to himself once again that he would make a change by going to his wife this time last year, sitting her and their two boys down in the living room of the house he had worked so hard to provide for them, ensuring them that he was going to get help and that he would be a better husband and father; now looking back at that time and this same street sign he thinks to himself “maybe next year?”

2016

I've been thinking about what I could possibly write about a year that I am leaving as a completely different person then the one I was coming into it. This year was certainly one for the books, ups and downs, highs and lows.

But isn't every year that way? Covered in beauty and heartbreak. I've had my fair share of ups and downs this year. Moments where I thought I wouldn't be able to go on any longer, the body numbing pain where you want to cry and scream but all you can do is look around and wonder how you could have possibly gotten to this point.

With that being said, 2016 was a pivotal turning point in my life. The lessons I have learned in these short 365 days I will be forever grateful for. I've been trying to find a way to explain how these moments in my life have truly changed every part of me but I can't seem to find the words to explain it.

I've learned that some of the things I was holding onto weren't mine to carry.
I've learned what I deserve when it comes to all types of relationships.
I've learned not to settle, I am worth so much more then a mediocre life.
Most importantly...I've learned just how strong I can be when it is the only option I have.

This is the life I've been given and I am choosing to be grateful for the challenges that present themselves to me.

Here's to 2017, new lessons, new memories, and more love.