Excerpt From a Letter You'll Never Read #2

It’s scary to think that someone who meant so much to me didn’t have any idea who I really was. It terrifies me to think that maybe you thought I wanted you in my life only to “fix my problems.”

I’m honestly not even sure what problems I had that you thought you, or anyone, would be able to fix.

How could anyone fix a cancer diagnosis or a parents divorce?

All I wanted from you was happiness, some sort of distraction to pull me from what I had been going through.

Transition Period

Cancer, she told me
It's not terminal, you'll be fine
You'll just need surgery and treatment
And then,
Good as new

Good as new?
It wasn't terminal
I didn't die
But something in me did

The care free
The not a worry in the world
The it only happens to other people
Person inside me died

I mourned the loss
As I would any loss
A part of me was gone
and it will never be back

Once the mourning was done
I had been grateful
For the person that had been left behind
Was a girl stronger then she could've ever imagined before

I live each day as if it's my last
I put myself first
I'm not as good as new
I'm better...I'm braver

Excerpt From a Book That Remains Unwritten

I got to the doctor and was finally called in, I followed the nurse, my parents not far behind. We get to the room and sit down. Little did we know, we wouldn't be the same people walking out of the room as we were those walking in. 

The nurse stayed and talked to us, trying to make jokes and make us laugh. At this point all I wanted was to hear that everything was fine so I could leave and get to class. After what seemed like an eternity, she leaves and the doctor finally comes in. She shakes my parents hands and gets right to it. I remember her exact words “I’m very sorry to say this but it is thyroid cancer.” I know she kept talking after she had said that but I heard nothing else, all I remember is that my feet went numb. Completely numb, as if they hadn't ever existed. 

I looked at my parents and saw faces looking back at me that I had never seen before. I hadn't started crying yet, I couldn't process what was going on. “Cancer? What is that? I have cancer? I cant have cancer, I have class in a few hours. I’m graduating and going away to school next year. I don't have time for this.” My mom gets up and walks to my side and hugs me and suddenly I’m dragged back into this nightmare. 

That’s all this is right? A nightmare. I’m going to wake up and everything will be fine. Again, with the reassuring that everything was going to be fine. Well now it wasn’t, and that was a fact. Nothing was fine. How could it be? I decide to start listening to the doctor as she discusses treatment options. 

One thing I will never forget her saying was that my odds were very good and that I had a great chance of beating this.

 A great chance of beating this?! I couldn't believe the words I was hearing. I was sitting there as a nineteen year old girl being told I had cancer and that my odds were “pretty good”. As if I had any other option other then to beat this. I have my entire life ahead of me and this woman is standing in front of me saying that I had a good chance of beating this. 

Clearly she didn't know me that well.